Ep. 158: Love vs Career (Part 1)

In this episode, Kathy is in the hot seat! When asked to choose between love and career, she opens up about her decision and how she’s made it work with her boyfriend of 15 years.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

You're now listening to a potent dose of three with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy, and we're here to bring you your weekly dose. Hey everyone, it's your girl Linda, the favorite host of them all. So in this episode, we're gonna talk about love versus career. And is that even is that even possible? Is that real is that really a thing? I don't know because I never been in love. Just kidding. But so this episode, we do want to focus on love versus career and like what that means to each of us. Um, so let's get into the episode. So love versus career. Can you really do that? Is that really possible? Can you hold your love life and your career at the same time? Or do you have to choose between the two? Since I don't know nothing about this, I'm gonna let Kathy go first. You know why? Because Kathy, we know she's from Columbia. She's been dating since she was five. So we're gonna let Kathy get into this story. So Kathy, love versus career. What is your thoughts? What are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_04 1:35

Oh girl, it's hard. It's hard because I come okay, so let's let's bring it back. So my mom, she was raised more in like in Machista era, where she was like, you serve the man, you give up even my grandma, like they give up careers for their man. They give up careers for love. So then I'm I was like, okay, so my mom was raised that way, and then always like serve the man first, everything is the man, and all like it was all about the men, all about, all about your husband, all about your home life, I guess, like your you know, like your nuclear family-wise. And then when I was growing up, then we moved here. And then my mom started saying, like, no, Catherine, no, everything is about love, no, everything is about the men. Because I'm a I'm a Pisces, okay? So I'm in Dulululand sometimes when it comes to love. So my mom she had to bring me back, like, no, no, everything's about love. No, you can't fall in love with everyone. So I'm like, okay, and then my dad, he's like, the one thing that people cannot take away from you is education. So you need to focus on getting educated. And then because I had already observed, like, my parents, even though they got a lot of education in Colombia, when but when they came here, that meant nothing. So they had to start from the bottom and work their way up in a way, different ways to just make um like ends meet, like you know, just to bring food to the table. So I was like, damn, that's rough. Like, I don't want to do that. Like, I need to start like you know, getting educated and like just trying to level up in life to get um, you know, get money, and because I I I know people say, like, oh, money doesn't bring you happiness. It doesn't bring you happiness, but it be it gives you like comfort.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

It brings me happiness. I don't know what you're talking about. I understand what people try to say, but money does bring some happiness. If you depressy or depress so, you can use money to get your great old therapist. If you're depressed, you can use money to make you go to go on vacation somewhere. Online shopping, happiness. Exactly. Money can bring happiness. But I understand what you were trying to say, Kathy, or what people say when they say that. Because you know, the most wealthiest people is depressed, but yeah. Let me be a multi-billionaire, let me show you how happy I'll be.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

I rather I rather be a depressed billionaire than being depressed as I am now.

SPEAKER_04 4:01

So, yeah, so I was like, okay, so when I found um my fiance, Carlos, I was like, I was like, man, F the man. Like, I want to be focusing on my career first. I want to be focusing on my education first. How old were you?

SPEAKER_00 4:18

How old were you when you found your first one?

SPEAKER_04 4:20

I was 16. 16?

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Yeah, I was 16. So a baby. That's important to consider too in this conversation. Yeah, yeah, and I was super important.

SPEAKER_04 4:29

Yeah. And then, but I was I was young, but I was very in a way I feel like young but focused. Kind of like, I was like, okay, I can't get pregnant, I can't do this. Like, because I was like, it's not like because I know some people are like, oh, if you get pregnant at an early age, like your life is over. It's not over, but it complicates things, you know, like let's be real. So I'm like, okay, I can't get pregnant, but I really like this guy, but I also want to focus in school. And then I like um I learned about like GPAs and all that, like you gotta keep them like a 4.0 if you want to go to like certain schools, and you know, like I was learning, and then I when I met him, I was like, you I want to say junior year, senior year. So it was like important years of high school where like I had to apply for like colleges and you know, like scholarships because again, my parents didn't um have the money and immigration status wasn't there, so it was like a little bit harder for me. Um so I started to like focus on some other things, and um when he came into my life and I was like, okay, yeah, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. But I was saying that he was like a little bit more serious because he talked to my dad, and I was like, okay, this is not something that I could just like, you know, like sometimes I don't know, but I feel like once they meet your family, it's kind of like it's kind of serious. Like, I don't know. That was just my my uh way of thinking back then.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

In the moment, like uh when he when you mentioned that he was serious, uh were you not like in a place to get serious? Like, did that scare you? Just curious.

SPEAKER_04 6:07

So I was in a place where because he was older, it was like it was like a whole bottle in my head. Because he was older, I was like, he just wants to mess around and leave me. Like he just wants to, you know, like that's where my head was because I was very like, you know, like I don't want to get played, or like I don't want them to just like mess with me and may mess with my emotions, and like and then also at that time I was like playing sports like like crazy. Like I was boxing, I was playing basketball, I was playing volleyball, like I was like doing my own thing. So um when we sit down, and then he saw that I basically I didn't stop my life to go see him, or like, you know, like I'm like, oh I have practice, oh I have this, or I have a game, oh I have that. I'm like, so he'll be like asking, like, when do you have time? And I'm like, uh Sundays, like I don't know, like like when do you want me to have time? Like it's kind of like that type of thing. Then um, we sit down and then I told him, I was like, for me, my priority right now it's education, it's not love, it's it's just my number one priority is education, and then you might be number two, but not number one. Like, I was pretty straightforward. You might be number two, maybe number three, but then again, because I was very guarded because he was an older guy, so it's like I don't wanna give everything up for somebody that you know, like it might be there, he might not be there for the rest of my life. I don't know, because I was young, so um that's how we've handled it, and sometimes um, like we've been together for like what 15 years or so, and damn, damn damn, damn that's a long time, yeah. So we have I have times where I've just like especially with school, and then also he always pushes me through school, like even when I have my breakdowns and I'm like in the bathroom crying, like I want to quit, I don't want to do this anymore. I'd rather go do something else. Um, because you know, like he's not linear, like he just goes up and down, up and down, up and down. Um so he's always been so supportive. Um, but also I've catch myself sometimes because I feel like what work what what have worked for us is been like we communicate with each other. Like, hey, you know what? I feel like I've been asking you to go on a date for like a month already. And like I've been asking you for like watch a like a show, or I've been, you know, like hey, like we need to reconnect because sometimes everything comes like um what's it called? Like like a routine, and the routine gets boring, so it's like you need to start like working with your relationship, like or like making new things. So there were times where I was so deep in school and I was like laser focused and I was going through my own stuff that literally came like I was with a roommate, and then uh we talked and we spoke, and I was like, you know what, you have a you have a point, and then and then that's when I was like, man, like I really like this man, I want him to be the father's like my kid's father. I'm like, I need to compromise, I need to I need to make it work. And so now this mentality of like career first and then like love second, I was like it became like a little battle for me inside. And then that's the other thing. Like, I always prepare for the worst. So I'm like, I don't know if this is forever. Like, if I get divorced, like I need to have my money, I need to hustle on the side, like I'm not gonna be brokey. Like, you know, like I can I just like I always think about the the worst, and it's not that I don't love him, and it's not that he has shown me any signs that oh my god, I'm gonna like stop like being with him, but I feel like you always gotta be prepared because I feel like when you least expect it is when things like goes to shed basically. So I I always wanna like have a plan B. Like I always have savings, I always like because now I so now coming like to my reality right now, I have a kid with him, so it's like if things don't work out, like I'll be like a single parent, and I need to like you know um be able to fend for myself, I'm a kid. So it's just like I always um I always try to like now it's like I right now it's all about like my love life and my career and I'm trying to balance it both, but I'm I always I don't know if it's like I feel like this is my trauma talking that I I don't want just to rely on him that and then I feel because and I know it's my trauma talking and I girl, it's hard to find a therapist by the way, but I I think it could be both.

SPEAKER_03 11:09

I think it could be both. Um, I feel like I I totally understand where you're coming from because I've seen a lot of you know people in my life, a lot of women in my life where um they did become like stay-at-home moms or they devoted themselves to the household and not so much to their careers. And when things happened, you know, sometimes things don't work out. Um, they were put in a position and you see this all the time, like it's still happening to this day, right? Where people decide that they want to be a stay-at-home mom and then they don't have anything, like they don't have a career, they don't have a plan, they don't make their own money. That when they separate, they are starting starting from ground zero. They don't want to even have like um a line of you know working history, and you know, if you've ever applied for a job, one of the last questions is what was your last job, right? So, how like where do you go from there? And so that's that's a big fear, and that should be a big fear for people. So, I mean, I I mean I totally get you, Kathy. That would be something that I would think about too. I mean, that's one thing I actually think about all the time. Like, if I have kids and me and my partner don't work out, am I financially able to take care of my child and myself? You know, because what's gonna happen?

SPEAKER_04 12:24

Yeah, so it's kinda like I gotta like I gotta have that prepare. So it's kind of like I and then I love him and I I feel like I don't wanna I don't wanna sound cheese even like I wish I was with this man forever because we understand each other so well and we we work through things like we don't it's it's just weird it's like it's a vibe, like I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

So uh I love that it's a vibe. Like you better put that on somewhere in your wedding.

SPEAKER_04 12:55

Like, yeah, like I just don't know how to explain it. It's kind of like I'm thinking something, but I don't say it, but then he will say it, and I'm like, how do you know I was gonna say that? Like, get out of my head, like you know, it's up like that. So I'm working, and then I'm also like, also not just like I want to also say like love and career, but also like love and like then there's love, family, and career, right? Because now I have a kid, so no like balancing that out is also it's been kind of challenging. I've been trying to find a balance, and then also my mentality has been changing as I've been like becoming an an adult. I I put that in quotes because sometimes I feel like I'm a teenager, but uh yeah, so it's like it's like a whole balance of like trying to also dedicate time for my career. My kid and my lover, like my my lover, so it's yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Do you find it challenging trying to balance the two? Um, because you know you gave us you gave a lot about why you why you choose which and which, but do you find it challenging? Because even like how you just said having to even like you're you are in a relationship, you have a fiance, but then you also have a child, and I know like that too brings its own challenging where I hear a lot of moms saying like that mom guilt. Um, so do you find it challenging? And then if so, like how do you push through that and like make yourself continue to focus on your career versus saying, like, F this, like my family needs me?

SPEAKER_04 14:27

Well, Linda, you touch a very it's a harsh subject. Um, why? Because it's like a whole bottle that I've been like dealing with myself. I don't know if other moms do it because I feel like and then also like you get judged so much. Like that's what I've been like finding. Like, for example, and also like with my family, like when I go out with my girlfriends, what you're going out with your girlfriends, where's your men? I'm like, at home. Oh, why? I'm like, because he wants to. Like that boy stays at home because he wants to, but if he wants to stay at home, I'ma be outside. Because I like to go outside, you know, or like even when I'm with my career and my son, like, don't get me like career is fun. I love to help people, I love that to learn, I love to do that, but it's exhausting, it's really, really it's taxing, it's really taxing, and um so, and even like as a couple, you have your couple moments and your family moments, and sometimes we were struggling, and I was struggling with that because I was with Tiago for a full year. It was just me and him like at the house, chilling, and like I was just trying to enjoy being a mom for the first time, and Carlos was there, but he was he mostly take like the night shifts because I was with Tiago the day shift, so um, we were so giving everything to Tiago that we were forgetting about our relationship, right? We were right, right, and then I was like very um like pissed off like at him. So that was another thing, and then after that, then like just trying to balance my career and trying to be a mom and trying to stay on top of my mom duties that people are like, Well, you don't know where her like his appointment is, and I'm like, shit, I'm like, yeah, like like everything I had to have it like in a calendar, like people don't believe me, but I have everything like when my son starts schools, I have I get his calendar, paper calendar, put it in my calendar, then I have my calendar with his calendar, and then like we have to make it work, so it is challenging because sometimes you want to be with your kid, but also you want to be with just your partner by itself because we were together for like by ourselves for a long time. That now we're like, damn, we have to bring this kid along, like you know, but we try to make it work, we try to balance it, and then sometimes also, and I feel like lately I've been come to the realization that it's kind of hard that like a job is a job, but sometimes they don't care about you. I mean, I I wouldn't say most of the time, but they don't care about you, so why you give so much for like a career and so much for a job when at the end of the day you're just a number, like you could get replaced. So I also try to also think about that a lot of the times when I'm like, okay, I'm gonna take these two hours more to help with the patient, and then jeopardy, like you know, my kid will get picked up by my dad or like whatever, I'll make it work, but it's worth it. Like, because I haven't seen my kid, I don't know, since like last night or like since yesterday, and it's worth it. Like, I'm like, I'm starting to think, I'm like, okay, you know what, I have to pay some bills, Diego might have to like do this, okay. Then it's gonna be worth it in the long run. Or I'm like, no, I'm good with money, I'm out, like I'll clock out. Like, so it's like those types of like things that I started thinking about to try to balance it. Like, and it sounds, I don't know if it sounds kind of cruel, but so at the end of the day, yes, it's a career, just I like to help people, but you're I'm getting paid for it. So it's kind of like, yes, I wanna help this person that wants her their self-triaction and I'm the only nurse in the clinic, but I'm like also if I need to walk away and clock out, the doctor is there and they could do it themselves. So it's like I always have to, and it's been a challenging because I like my job, I like the the population that I help that I work with. Uh, but I but I don't I don't wanna um be so like workaholic in a way that I'm just like that I miss things with my son or I miss things with my partner or I miss because you know like yeah, it's just like it's it's been I've been trying so I try to put it in a balance, right? Like I'm like, okay, do I have expenses that I need that needs to get paid? I'm like, okay, yeah, maybe this. So I'm I work a little bit longer, but then I try to like um make it up to Tiago like with something, or I try to stay up with him a little bit later, and then it's a lot of energy. So it's like um sometimes what I do when I have like a very draining day, I tell my dad, can you pick him up? Because I need some time for myself. Like I need to take a breather. Like sometimes you just need silenced, right? I don't I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes after work I just want to drive in silence. And I can't tell him to shut up when he wants to want to tell me about his dates. It's kind of like, okay, I need to like tell my dad to pick him up, and then when I get home, then I'm ready for like all that energy that he has and to tell me about his roly-pulleys and everything that he saw today. So yeah, I feel like that's how I've been kind of like going at it.

SPEAKER_03 19:45

Yeah, it's definitely a balance, and I know it must be hard like having to choose between, you know, going to work, making money, you know, to be able to provide your kid everything that you know you want to provide your but how like how do you I guess when you were talking about it right now, you were like, oh, like I wanna, you know, work to provide for my kid, but have you been in a situation where you were that like choosing between being at work and your partner? Just curious, like how did how would that play out? Does that make sense? Like your partner's like, oh, we haven't spent time in this long, can you just come home and not stay late?

SPEAKER_04 20:24

No, I haven't no, I haven't been put in that position yet.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

They both be at work. Yeah. I I have another hypothetical hypothetical question or what would you do type of question. Um, so say you got offered your dream job, like some like a job that you prayed for, like you really want to do, um, but it's you it's like out of state in another country, and Carlos does not want to move. Would you what would you do? And to make it a little bit easier, you did not have a kid. Because I feel like a kid makes it a little bit more stressful, it mixes up things. So you didn't have you're not a mom, but you, you know, you were just like in a relationship or even like a fiance, but he did not want to move with you to your dream job. And it's something you dreamed about since you were a little girl. What would you do, Kathy?

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Wait, before she answers, how long have they been together in this hypothetical? Just curious. Just curious.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

They've been together eight years.

SPEAKER_04 21:28

Oh, that's hard. That's hard because that was one thing that was happening. No, it wasn't it wasn't a stay situation, but when um I was applying for nursing that I didn't have Tiago before, and I was thinking of going to Sacramento, and he has his barbershop in Oakland. And when that happened, he was so willing to move. But in this hypothetical, he's not willing to move. That's hard. That's hard because I don't know, like I will I will try to. Talk to him about it, but at the same time, it's hard because I feel like I work so hard and I'm getting my dream job.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

Like if he cannot see that shrug. Like I don't. So it's uh huh. What are you gonna say?

SPEAKER_04 22:23

Because I feel like if a person loves you and like, because he's seen me through the process, he's he sees how hard I've worked with, but I work for it. I feel like he would be willing to like, oh, like let her go and like change her dreams. But if he's not willing, then I'm gonna go for the job.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Okay, because I that's the thing. Like, if a male was uh placed in that that situation, he would be like, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I gotta go and follow this job. Like, if it if it if the were if the roles were reversed, for sure. I feel like a male, they would have left and just followed their dream job. But I feel like us as women, we're like, we have we have that internal battle, like, oh, do I need to stay? Because this man, I love this man, I don't want to leave this man. Uh yeah, that that it is it is tricky. But eight years is a long time. But shoot, eight years, you still haven't proposed to me. We still not married, sir. Do you really love me? So bye. I'm leaving you. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 23:21

No, that's a really good question. And it happens a lot a lot to a lot of people in medicine, aka. I was applying to med school. I almost moved to Michigan, you know.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Jonathan was gonna stay in the bay. It happens, man.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Yeah, Jonathan was a good thing. I wasn't gonna stay in the bay. Exactly. You're ready to go. You was like, where you know, med school, like wherever you get in, you get in. Like you get in where you fit in. So you it's very challenging. So you'll just be blessed and lucky to get placed somewhere. But Jonathan, on the other hand, put some respect on my brother-in-law. Though he said he was gonna stay, he was staying because he had a very nice paying job and he was planning to visit you wherever you wherever you went. Not saying don't, I don't know how that would turn out, but he was like willing still to travel back and forth for you.

SPEAKER_02 24:06

I'm glad that Linda's putting some respect on his name because she was like, he's gonna move in a month.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

Oh, you remember that? Yeah, because I don't think he would last that long. He would be packing his bag. I was I gave him a month. I was saying in a few weeks, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

But yeah, like that's what I'm a lot of us have to make these decisions, you know? It's hard, it's really hard, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

SPEAKER_04 24:32

Yeah, and I feel like that's when it comes, like what I was saying, like with love. Like, if you really love that person, you can't and the um this is my mentality. If you really love that person, you can't hold them back. Like, if you really love them, you need to let them fly like a butterfly, like so they could just extain their wings and make some money and like make even make some money or be like let them like their dreams come true or get their dream job, and that's what I like I would I would think in this situation. I'm like, if you really love me, dude, you would've come with me, or we would have made it work, or you know, and then if not, then that's fine. Like, I'll find someone else, like you know, it is what it is. It was good until it wasn't, and that was it.

SPEAKER_03 25:16

Hold that thought. Stay tuned for next week's episode.

SPEAKER_04 25:21

Thanks for listening to this episode of PD3 with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy. Make sure you like, comment, and subscribe at a pote in dose of three so that you never miss an episode and your weekly dose.