Ep. 161: When Things Don't Go As Planned (Part 1)

In this week’s episode, Jazmin opens up about the frustration of preparing for something so important only for life to suddenly shift the plan. After spending countless hours studying and mentally preparing for her boards exam, an unexpected situation left her unable to even take the test.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

You're now listening to a potent dose of three with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy, and we're here to bring you your weekly dose. Hi everyone. Welcome back to a potent dose of thresh three. Anyways, you know what time it is. Uh this week's episode, we're gonna talk about when things don't go your way. Life be life in, and sometimes you just work hard, you think you're doing things the right way, but at the in the end, it still don't go your way. And I feel like we don't talk about how we bounce back from it, we don't talk about what we do to get over that hurdle. So, in this episode, we're gonna be talking about when things don't go your way, what do you do? So, let's get into this episode. So, Jasmine, I am picking on you today because I know I've been your therapist for this whole week because you've just been in a roll emotional roller coaster because things have not been going your way. So, can you please give the listeners an update of what has been going on?

SPEAKER_03 1:23

Yeah, it's been a telenovele, it's been a telenovela. Um, it's been a little, it has been a little hectic. And um damn, it's it's a lot, but here we go. So, as a lot of you may know um from previous episodes, I finished my didactics, which means I'm pretty much done with like the learning portion of my medical school career. And so after that, um, and that finished in uh late February. After that, we pretty much had dedicated, and dedicated is where you basically focus or dedicate your time to studying for the board exam. Um do you hear Gimpy? She's not happy about this either. Um and so for weeks I've been, you know, studying my butt off. Um you know, crazy, like night and day, eight to 14-hour days just studying. Because, you know, if you take the earlier you take the test, um, you have some time to have for yourself before you go into rotations. And that was my goal. Like I wanted to take the test and as early as I could and then you know take time for myself. And so um, as I'm studying for the board, um, my wallet was stolen at the end of at the end of March. So at this point, we've been studying for five weeks, okay? And I'm sure you guys know because you guys have studied for board exams before, like how intense it gets. Like you don't, you really don't leave the house, you don't go out, you don't do anything. My birthday was in March. I was like, I'm not gonna do anything for my birthday because I'll just celebrate in April. And so you even knew you even know like even doing that was like a lot for me because I always really celebrate my birthday. And I I you you remember I was like texting you guys like, should I do something? Should I not do something? And yeah, it was like a lot to just not celebrate.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

Yeah, yeah, you really cut off your whole personal life just to focus and study, and you become like a hermit crab where you literally don't do anything, like you make so many sacrifices because you know you're preparing for this big moment, so you sacrifice.

SPEAKER_03 3:48

Exactly. I was like, it's okay, it's all gonna pay off in the end. I'm like, I'm gonna put my all into it and then I'll get to take a break. Um, Jonathan was even like, okay, I'll plan my vacation around that. And I was like, great, like we had a plan. So when I lost my ID, sorry, when yeah, when I lost my ID, I was like, what am I gonna do? Like, I don't like I don't you can't take a board exam without your ID. You you need you need a form of identification, government identification. And at this time I also did not have, I don't have a um a passport. So I like started reaching out to the testing site and asking them if there was another way, if there was any like alternatives to this. Um, they said no. And then obviously right away I went to go um reapply for a replacement ID. And when I'm there, I'm telling them like, hey, I just want to know like time frames. I I'm telling them like I have a board exam, so I really need this by. And I think I told them like latest third week of April or something, because we have to take the board exam by the 26th of April. Um, that's just like your last date, basically, that you could take it. Um, which is tomorrow.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

I know I was looking at the I was looking at the calendar, I was looking at the date on my computer. I was like, wait, today's the 25th, so tomorrow. Don't sound, doesn't sound like it's going too well.

SPEAKER_03 5:21

Right, right, right. Right. So they're like, and keep in mind, I'm gonna act like them, not to mock them, but so you can understand like where my mind frame was at. They're like, oh yeah, of course, you're gonna get it way before that. And I was like, great. I was like, great, awesome. Okay, I'll be able to take my exam. Not gonna lie, a little part of me was like, with the way things are going, I don't know. But anyways, you know, so I'm studying, studying, and I was like, should I be studying this much at this point? Who knows when I'll get my ID? Like, how much do I study? How should I like rearrange my study schedule? Because if I go too hard, I'm gonna gas out if I don't get my ID sooner than later. And I don't want to gas out given that I've been already studying for five weeks at this point. And so I decided, you know what? I'm gonna, I'm gonna contact administration, I'm gonna contact the school. Um I need a little guidance, you know. I at this point I don't know what to do. Um, and so I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. When I contact them, I was like, I'm stressed in that email. I told them, like, I'm stressed out about the situation. Um I don't know if I'm gonna get my ID on time. I just want to make sure, like, so I basically I just wanted to make sure they knew what was going on with me. I wanted to communicate where I was at. Not I wasn't taking the exam. I was not not taking the exam because I didn't want to, because I was going out partying. It was because I literally got my wallet stolen and I did not have my ID. Okay. And so um they were like, don't stress out, we're here for you. Um, you know, it just we're support you every step of the way. We'll support you. Yeah, we'll support you. Um and just just keep us updated. And I'm not gonna lie, it really did help comfort me a little bit, you know, in that moment. I was like, okay, like they know what's going on, we should be good. Like, you know, they they they they know, they know, and so um I keep studying. Oh, yeah, they tell me to keep studying. Um, and at this point, I've not taken any breaks, I've not like gone out, I've not seen my family. My grandma is really sick. Um, her dementia is progressing. And before this, I had gone to see her more often, but I hadn't because I was like, all right, I'm gonna study hard so then by the time I'm done, I can take time off. I can go visit her, I can visit family. Um, and then it's getting closer to the date, and I feel like my life starts, you know, messing with me left and right. Um, on top of me, you know, stressing about am I gonna be able to take this exam on time?

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Um I started having car issues. Wait, sorry, Jess, but when did you notify the school? Just so we know like a timeline. Like, do you notify them at the beginning of April, at the end of March, or huh?

SPEAKER_03 8:30

Um, so I got my wallet swollen at the end of like literally March 28th or something like that. And they were notified like April 2nd. Yeah, so they were notified. I notified them basically as soon as I went to right after I went to the DMV. I used to get the DMV process like rolling before I like reached out to them and everything. So yeah, um you know, I'm studying, going to the library every day. Um, I'll be there morning tonight. Why I did that? Anyways. So by the time it's getting closer, I'm not hearing back from the DMV, so I'm not notifying the school because I have no nothing to update. Um, and then um I I get in my car, I decide I'm gonna go to the gym and live a healthy lifestyle. I decide that my legs and my body need to move because I've been sitting my butt down studying so hard every day, too so many hours a day. And I'm like, I'm gonna go to the gym. My body needs this. The car doesn't start. The car doesn't start, you guys. I'm like, okay, okay. And then the next day or day a day after or whatever, um, I get notified that my ID was shipped, but that it wouldn't arrive two to four weeks after being mailed. Meaning I will not I will not be able to take the exam on time. Like I won't. It it will come a week the earliest a week after the deadline. The earliest.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

So meaning like at the beginnings of May.

SPEAKER_03 10:24

No, like next week. Yeah, so since the deadline's tomorrow, the earliest it would come would be next week. So it was I would still be late.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

So because I know you were studying your butt off. You're like you said, you sacrificed your life, you didn't want to do anything for your birthday, you didn't want to hang out with your friends, you were a hermit crab because you needed to study for this big exam. It's a big important exam. How did it make you feel when it when you came to the realization that, oh dang, I am not gonna be able to sit in the in this exam because my ID is not gonna come until four weeks later.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

I was like, damn. I was like, damn. I was like, okay. I was like, damn, damn. I was I was a little upset, but I was like, okay, maybe there's a solution. I was like, so you know, I'm messaging with the school and you know, telling them what's going on. And then I'm trying not to think into it because I was like, okay, I already notified the school, like, let's see like what we can do at this point. I didn't I didn't freak out just then and there, Linda. So then I notified the school and I was like, well, a lot of my classmates are deferring. Um at this point, I I emailed them and I was like, it seems like I'm not gonna take the exam because I don't have an ID. Um I told them what's the process of defer of deferring because I I kind of can't take the test at this point. Um, and so I emailed them that and then they emailed me with unf What exactly are you trying to defer though? The exam.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

Oh defer the exam.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

Well, I guess not. So you would defer so that you could defer your rotations so you can still have more time to take the exam.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Yeah, that's what it is. And the rotations is when you basically do like clinicals, like you work at a hospital for whatever amount of time.

SPEAKER_03 12:13

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

Thank you for clarifying because I'm trying to clarify because I I heard the comments that we talk like we know it, we're the only ones that know what's going on. Right.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

Even I'm not gonna lie, even I was confused about this process, okay?

SPEAKER_00 12:28

So if listeners, if you're confused, exactly, I was confused too. So we don't blame you. We do not blame you if you're confused.

SPEAKER_03 12:35

Yeah, so thanks for clarifying. Yeah, so given that I was not gonna be able to take the the test before the 26th deadline, I was like, okay, maybe I can defer my rotation so I can continue to study for a few more weeks and then get my ID and take the exam and then go into my rotation. Cause that's you know how it normally is. You can't take your um you can't start your rotation until you take the exam. And so, anyways, they were like, nope, you can't do that. They're like, you can't do that. Um, you will be beginning your first rotation and um you will take the exam another time. Now that is where I lost it. That is where I lost it. That is where I was like, oh no, you're not telling me that I sat. I'm counting, sorry, I'm counting right now. Hold on. I don't know. Six, seven, eight weeks that I've been studying for eight weeks. Um only to not be able to take this exam.

SPEAKER_02 13:43

So I know you mentioned, sorry, I know you mentioned that your classmates deferred, right? Um were they also like denied, or were people that were approved, or like were did they give you reasons why they denied? Did they give you any information, or they just said like, no, you you cannot defer, period. Like that's it.

SPEAKER_03 14:04

The reason why it was a little more um difficult for me was because when we first took our first, I think it's called CVSE practice board, I passed that. And so automatically I have to take the exam. So because I passed, I don't know how I passed by the way, totally guessed. Um, I was in a different boat than everyone else. But also I was like, I lost my ID and things happened and and that you know, I'll get into that a little bit later, but yeah, I was really devastated um when this happened because I feel like I, you know, put so much of my heart and my time studying for this exam. And like I said, if you've ever taken um a board exam or the MCAT or something where you've spent I don't know how many hours, because I can't tell you, but hundreds of hours just you know, devoted to studying, it can get really depressing. And I did my best to not get to that place, but yeah, it does get hard when you're putting all your time into this and then to be told like hey, you're not taking it, you've put in all this time, but you're not taking the exam. Like it was really hard for me to take in, and um my body was even feeling it. Not only was my mind feeling it, my body was feeling it. Like I was like having lip swelling, like my lips started swelling, and um obviously I was stressed. Um and you know, I'm a very emotional person, so yeah, I for I cried it out. I cried it out. Um and I cried it out, and I had my classmates, you know, who were watching me go through the motions. Um, so yeah, it was it was a it was a hard time.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

I I do not miss those times. I remember those moments when I was in school, like in your position, like studying my butt off, becoming depressed because I was literally sacrificing my whole just social life just to build myself up to pass this one exam. And to for in your case, not to be able to even take the exam, that that sucks, honestly. That sucks. Like everything you're saying about, you know, you missing your party or not wanting to celebrate your birthday. Like, I was doing all of that to study for my boys exam, but mine was a my case was a little different in the sense that I studied my butt off to try to take the exam once and pass. But unfortunately, I studied my butt off, sacrificed all like my freedom, would it feel like to take my board's exam for uh NP school or to get my NP license, nurse practitioner license to fail in the end. I would just remember being so, so, so, so devastated. Like, dang, I have to not only like I have to basically get back to studying, like I felt like my life could not move on because now I have to go back to studying. And it was so difficult for me to get back into that mindset, mindset like of studying. Like, I felt defeated during that time. I do not miss school, I do not miss it at all. So I am here for you guys. I am praying. I forgot, no, Kathy, she's done with school too. We are praying for you, Jasmine. Um, I think it's fair.

SPEAKER_02 17:46

It's fair that you have all these emotions. I'm done with school, Linda, but I still have to take my board. So uh yeah, but yeah, I totally feel it because um I just I feel this this is how I see it. Because I'm like, okay, I'm giving all this up, but my reward is gonna be when I pass that exam and when um I'm able to like uh you know say I'm done, I pass, now I could go and see my family. Because literally, like what Linda said, it's like you lost your freedom because you kind of, and those are like things that we put on ourselves that we choose to like don't talk to me. I'm gonna go like on like, you know, study mode. And then even if you try and I feel a jazz because I'm going through it, like you try not to like feel depressed or you try to not go back to that place that you always go back, and it's so infuriating because even though we're aware that we're gonna we we go there, we don't want to go there because I don't know if I don't know how to explain this to the listeners, but it's such a like like a jetty feeling. Like you're just like, oh, this again, like I gotta study again, I gotta get up again, and then you start feeling alone, and then you start feeling like you're tired. Like, I could not describe how it feels to just like see a coffee shop and you're like, I am done, I don't want to be here anymore. This chair is uncomfortable. I do not want to drink more coffee, but I have to drink more coffee because I'm here sitting down. Like, I kind of want to tell the listeners how this feeling is because I don't know. I feel like if you don't know if you haven't gone through, but for the listeners to understand, like, no, we're not whining, we're not complaining about studying because oh boo-hoo, we study for no, is the feeling that it gets from you is such a shetty feeling that when you don't pass or when they don't tell you you can't take the test, it's more than like fuck this again. Like, I have to go back to this again, I have to go back to not talk to my family again. I have to go back to being this study mode, like it's horrible, it's not, it's not fun. But I I am with you, I totally understand. I I would have I would have been pissed, I would have been devastated, I would, yeah, like I'm like, so I sacrifice everything for for what? Like, you know, that's that's what I would have failed. So I understand.

SPEAKER_03 20:01

Yeah, and like you said, you you you try to tell yourself I'm not gonna go into this situation, but I mean, undoubtedly you do the same thing every day. Um, you try to like switch it up here and there, like, but like you're only switching little things, and that's not enough to take you away from not going to that sad, depressive state, right? And so it is hard. And um, as much as you, you know, like I remember I was getting fatigued because I'd be like, I'm so tired. I don't understand. I slept, I slept good yesterday. I'm like, I don't know. Drink a coffee, coffee doesn't work. You're like, oh my God, what's going on with me? Like, what like you you're just fatigued, you're tired, like it doesn't matter how much you sleep, how much caffeine, like nothing is gonna, you know, get you back to that place. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Yeah, no, that's something like I do not miss those days. And it's like you tell yourself all these things, it sounds good, it sounds like you know, the right thing to do, but it's so difficult to not take not go there. Um, and then you know, people say, Oh, even me, I'll give the the advice. Oh, make sure you have to put time aside for yourself. Though you're deep into the study, study mode, make sure you, you know, have at least one day for yourself where you pamper yourself, relax, do something. Easier said than done. Because then for me in my situation, when I when I did that, it's like I still had I need to take the test, I need to study, I need to study like in the back of my head. So I wasn't really relaxing because the the only thing I was able to think about is like how I need to study so I can pass the exam. So I wasn't really relaxing how I wish I could. Uh but yeah, it's a lot. It's draining, it takes a strong soul, but in the end, it's worth it. Or is it? I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_03 21:52

It is well, no. I will say though that. This was probably the best I've ever um felt studying for a board exam. Besides uh, you know, all of this. I did develop really good study habits where I um would meet up with classmates at the library, or um I got on Discord and we would uh video or face call each other and we would just put ourselves on silence so um that we could study with each other in our own home so we weren't alone. And I think that was really helpful, Kathy. And once I figure out my life, Kathy, um somehow, maybe some way we could still study together. But if you don't use Discord to study with people, like if you if you don't want to leave your home and you don't want to go to coffee shop, um, I that was really helpful for us. So yeah, I went through it. Um, my classmates were really, really, really supportive. Um, I remember like I was crying and they were like, Where are you? We can come pick you up. Um, do you want to go out? Like, do you need to go eat? And I was like, it's okay. I'm just gonna stay home and cry.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

I'm gonna cry it out. I I just remembered too, because you know, they call me, they call the therapist on the side for you know, to vent. That's as friends do, you know, I have my moments. But to going back to like the defer, because in the beginning, Jasmine, she did not want to like defer if she didn't have to, but then she eventually talked herself in, not talked herself into it, but she started thinking about it as like maybe deferring would be good, even for her mental health, because she was on break right now. And during her break from school, it was all studying, study, study, study, study, uh, to the point that in reality, Jasmine, you didn't even have time for yourself to actually relax to recharge for the new upcoming rotation, like the the say semester. Um, so when Jasmine finally like, oh, maybe I should defer, and um, so I can have a break, like take the test, still defer and then then go back to school once I'm recharged. So I, when I when you you called me and said that you didn't couldn't defer, I was like, dang, that sucks. That really sucks.

SPEAKER_03 24:09

No, you you made a good point because I really did not want to defer. I just wanted to take my test, start my rotation, so let's go. Like, I was like, let's just go at this point. But yeah, it didn't happen that way. And yeah, so they told me I couldn't defer. Um, my classmates were really supportive, and um they told me I could petition. Oh, yeah, they told me I could petition. So I petitioned. Um, and then in the meantime, hold that thought.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

Stay tuned for next week's episode.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Thanks for listening to this episode of PD3 with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy. Make sure you like, comment, and subscribe at a put in dose of three so that you never miss an episode and your weekly dose.