Ep. 163: Rejection, Loss & Moving Forward (Part 3)

In Part 3 of this series, the hosts open up about the moments life completely shifted course.  From receiving rejection after rejection to navigating the heartbreak, they share what it’s like to keep moving forward when everything in you wants to pause. This episode is an honest conversation about grief, disappointment, resilience, and the pressure to still show up for work, school, relationships, and everyday life while carrying heavy emotions behind the scenes. 

Tune in now for your weekly Dose!!!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:04

You're now listening to a potent dose of three with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy, and we're here to bring you your weekly dose.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

Welcome back to part three of last week's episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

I agree. I I remember in the moment I was having my moment, you know, and I wanted to give my I want to give myself grace because I think the emotions I was feeling was r were uh valid, you know, given that we put our all into studying for these board exams. But I also wanted to take I'm really happy I had yesterday. I think yesterday I got a lot of clarity, but yesterday I was like, you know what? What can we learn from the situation so that we are never in the situation again? And I it it it brought me peace, you guys. It brought me peace. And I'm happy I had yesterday to kind of relax. Like I I I didn't study, I watched a movie and I was thinking and reading a book, but then the reading a book didn't the the reading didn't last long, it was like a page. So Kathy, how are you doing? How's it going?

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Well, I've been up to working on studying, and then that's when I was like thinking when you were saying that you were gonna try to study when you were going through rotations, and I was like, that's gonna be hard. Because granted, I'm not doing rotations, but I am working, and it's hard. Like this whole week I was so tired. Like I was um because again, I'm trying to not get back to the place that I was before when I was studying for the exit exam for like um MP school, nurse practitioner school. So I've been trying to like work out and like I just wake up at five in the morning and like because workout it helps me, okay? So um, but I just I haven't worked out I think like only twice this week, but because I've been like I literally put my I go to sleep, I put my alarm, and then when I when my alarm sounds, I'm like, I'm tired, I don't want to wake up. Like I'm so drained, like I don't know, and I guess I'm so drained because what I do is like I wake up at five or six and then my day starts. And then I go to sleep like around what 11:30. And then but then when I get home, I make dinner, I put my kid to well, Carlos puts um Tiago to bed, and then that's when I started studying. So I study for like two, three hours, but then I also have to put into account the whole my whole work day, right? Like sometimes work could be chill, but sometimes work could be intense, emotionally intense, physically intense. Things could happen that you don't know how to. I guess you've controlled your emotions during the situation, but afterwards, like it drains you. So it's kind of like when I sit down and I start studying, I feel so tired, and I'm like, okay, no, you can't you can't be tired, like you gotta keep moving. So that's why when you were saying about like I'm gonna go rotation study, and I was like, I was like, good luck, because I'm feeling I'm tired. I'm I'm always I'm sleepy, like you were saying, like you get sleepy, you drink coffee, and you're like, this is not not enough. And I'm like, I need something stronger. I don't know what else I need, but I need something stronger because I'm so tired, like I don't know why I'm so tired, and I hate it because I'm I'm such an active person that being tired is like not okay for me. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

So you ever try that Vietnamese coffee?

SPEAKER_02 3:42

Girl gives me gastritis, so it's like, bruh, let me be like it's I can. But yeah, so I it that's what's been happening. I guess also like going back to the to the topic that is kind of like what do you do when things don't go your way? Um, I feel like one time, and then that's why I keep saying, like, sometimes you focus on the why, why, why, why me, but then it's like, what's what's it for? Like, there has to be a reason why. There has to be a reason why I'm going through this. There has to be maybe you're going through this because you don't know who's listening to us, and they might be going through the same thing. And then you sharing this story might make a difference, or maybe you're going through this because in the future, you know how you're like a mentor to like certain um, I think you mentioned this before that you're a mentor to like students that are barely coming in. That could, you know, that could be a reason, like you know, you could warn them. Um, and I was like thinking that I feel like the hardest part, one of the hardest moments I said, um, it was when I started this journey. When I started nursing, like my plan in my head is like, I'm gonna start with Linda because we started everything together, like you know, like planning and talking and meeting with each other and calling the schools and trying to raise our GPA. Um, we started together. So I'm like, I'm gonna go, I gotta, I gotta get in when she gets in. Um, but it didn't happen. And he always broke my heart because I was just like, oh my god, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. And then again, like you said, um, you went through so many things while you were going through medical school that um you're gonna make it, you're gonna make it work. And then even like when you're like, I don't supposed to be in medical school. I think I think you said that. Um, it was the same thing when I was just like, am I supposed to be doing this? Am I because everything was just not going right? Like I just get keep getting denied and denied and denied. And then I would call Linda crying every time I'll get like um a denied um letter. Um and then in the moment I was like, why? Like, why am I even trying? I'm just gonna go work in a bank. Like, I'm just gonna go work on something else. Because then you get tired, right? You get discouraged. Um, but after no, like a few months after I got pregnant, and then that's when I was like, okay, that's why this happened. Because who know, I mean, like I always say, pregnancy is not like it damages your life, but it just makes things a little bit more difficult. And I could only imagine how I would have done it my first year of like nursing school pregnant. Um, like I think I would have probably dropped out. I don't know. Because it was hard just after I already have given birth and he was a year old when I started. Um, it was already hard that, like, like that. I could only imagine me going pregnant and going through everything because my first year, as you guys know, and I'm sure the listeners know, my first year was not like uh ride in the park. Like, it was really hard because it was me getting back to like, how do I study? Why am I going to this? Like, am I doing this right? I was like, I was about to be like, I was in a probationary period for like almost half of the year because I was falling asleep while I was driving. Like, it was really tough, like it was hard. So I could only just imagine how I could uh what could have happened if I would have gone to school while I was pregnant. So it's just like, and I feel that um that was like one of the parts of my life that like things were not going my way. And I was really trying to like swing against like the current, like you know, I'm like, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. And then it just wasn't going. And then into like I got pregnant and I was like, okay, maybe this is the reason why it's not going my way. Like, maybe this is the reason why I just need to slow down, just let it flow. Like sometimes like you you have so many heart hurdles in your life that you're like, okay, maybe I just need to let it flow. Maybe this is happening for a reason. Just take a bread, just let it flow, and we're just gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna manage it. We're gonna manage it because I feel like we're managers. We we read, we what's it called? Uh, when you get into a situation and then you you like you make it work. You make it work with what you have, okay. This is happening again, we're gonna, we're gonna make it work. So I feel like those, those are like what I've learned about like the situations that yeah, it's just it's it's bad, it sucks once you're going through it and it's you're like it's not fair, why me? Like, you know, and then I I've seen it like in other situations of my life, like um when I was like when I when I had the miscarriage and I was studying so hard for that final for um chemistry, um organic chemistry, by the way. Uh so it wasn't easy, and then um I was studying the whole week and I was just sick because I was pregnant, I couldn't take medication, it was hard. And then when I was having the miscarriage, literally was I was taking the test and I was like, why me? Like I hate this. I you know, why me? Why me? Why me? Literally, I was like, what, depressed for like a whole month crying in my living room because not only had I lost a child, but only like I also have like lost my test. I failed my test, I failed my class again because it was like a second time that I was taking it, and I was just like, I was like, it was it was it was bad. It was really like a a hard time for me. And I was like, why is this happening? Why is this happening? And I'm just like, until like I get up, I got up one day, and I was like, you know what? It's just happening, it just happens. This might help somebody. I don't know. I don't know, like maybe I'm gonna help somebody along the way, and um a few months later, somebody that I knew had a miscarriage, and like her circle, nobody like knew how I felt, until like I was like, it's okay, like I've been through it, and I was able to like give advice because sometimes it's hard, and then like um, like um like that's what I was telling you, Jasmine, like maybe this um oh like every every situation that we're that God puts us on, like Linda said she has so many arrows, but I feel like every situation that she's gone through, sometimes it happens to us, or sometimes it happens to a loved one, or even sometimes it happens to a patient, and obviously we're not gonna say, Oh yeah, I've been through that, but then we get could give some advice, you know. We could be like, Yeah, I realize that, but you know, like you're gonna get through this, or you know, like so. I feel like sometimes we go through it and it sucks. It really does suck. But um once we But I feel like it's for a reason because once we we see somebody else going through it, or it's just because I it's happened to me. Like I've seen it with my patients when I'm just like, oh my god, this was me like two years ago, this was me like a few months ago. I could help you, like, no, we're not gonna do this again. Like, you're gonna, and you help uh pick up people's emotions, or you help like pick people up from like where they were at, and then so that's that's when you're like, Oh, this that's why I went through this, that's why um you know things happen. So yeah, that's that's basically what my mini stories are, but and I what I learned from it, and it has helped me grow as a person, it has helped me hop grow as a provider, and you just become more like knowledgeable. I agree. Pain is knowledge.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

No, no, in the moment it definitely doesn't feel nice, but I I I agree, you definitely learn from all these challenges. It's made us who we are today, it's made us strong. I'm strong even if I cry, okay. Um, and I really am, I really am. I am the kind of person who I need to cry it out once I cry it out. I'm alright, okay, what are we doing? Um, and it's made me tough because I can only imagine how residency's gonna be. So yeah, I've learned a lot, and although I haven't wanted to deal with these situations, I mean no one wants to deal with this, like these challenges, but I mean, who would we be if we we didn't? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 11:25

I I feel like you shared a lot of like just little mini life stories, Kathy. Just like so many, and I say this a lot in every episode, but we need to circle back around. I I feel like even you bringing up your miscarriage, I don't know if you've ever really brought it up in a past episode um to this extent. But I feel like that's up to you. But that would be like a a good episode in itself to give other women who may have been in a similar situation as you, and then how you dealt with it and what advice would you give others. Um with saying that, how like aside just like how were you able to just bounce back from everything? Because like you mentioned that um you thought we would start nursing school together. Um, we like like you said, we applied together, we were studying together, I got in before you did, and then you got in the following year. And then during undergrad, when you were in school having to take a test, and then feeling yourself have a miscarriage during the test. How did you bounce back from all of that? Like what like what did you actually do to make sure you were okay and to like move forward?

SPEAKER_02 12:39

Dang, that's a hard question. Uh, because okay, um for when the school happened, I was bombed and I'm just like, well, you know what? I'm like, I was bombed and I'm like, maybe this is not for me. And I keep talking um because I I know I don't go to church and stuff, but I I talked to God, and I was like, God, just give me a sign because now it's just like I'm just here working. Because at the time I was working as a caregiver, and I was like, I'm just working here as a caregiver, and I like what I do. It's hard, it's not I'm not gonna say it was easy, it was ghetto, but like, but I'm like, I'm learning so much because um we were just not only caregiving, but we were doing a little bit more more stuff, and we were just you know, like learning. So I was like, I really like this and I really want to help people, and then um I will see Linda like starting her like first day of school, and I'll be so happy for her. And I was like, oh my god, I wish I was there, and I was like, okay, but maybe I just have to like re-appl like apply again, like maybe some because it was discouraging because I would get like the deny letters and they wouldn't tell you why. So it's kind of like, oh my god, like what can I change, right? Like, um, because if you tell me that I need to, I don't know, uh take raise my GPA, I'll do it. I'll I'll put in the work and I'll do it. But the fact that they wouldn't tell me why, I was just like, oh my god, what am I gonna do? So I was like, you know what? Maybe it's my personal statement, maybe it's the way, because again, like I feel like sometimes for for the schools, yeah, like your resume, it's important, but also like your personal statement is important. So and then again, because I was so insecure with my English and my writing, I'm like, well, maybe and then I was like, maybe, and then maybe I just I saw it like instead of a failure, like right when I was just like, man, like I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna start like working. And then um, I think it was COVID happened. Didn't it COVID happen? And I think into nursing school?

SPEAKER_03 14:41

No, when you started uh nursing school. Uh I started like 2021, so after COVID. After COVID? After the whole lockdown, yeah. After 2021.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

Okay, so she started 2021, and then as the whole time of COVID, and I see like all everything that's happening in the world, right? Because it was it was a dark time. Like I was, you know, it was it was a dark time. Like, that's all I gotta say. Um, and I was I would still keep working because I was a healthcare employee, or I I don't remember what they call it, but I still was able to work, basically. And then um, I work a lot of night trips, and I kid you know in my phone, I'd be like scrolling, and I'm like, well, maybe this is and then it just I don't know, it was like I was like, it was a one in the morning, I was looking at the ceiling, and I was like, maybe this is just an opportunity, okay? Maybe let's just don't because then I started thinking like about COVID and about the people that that passed away, and about like I was like, I started thinking like this is an opportunity, this is an opportunity that um that I have to like maybe try again, maybe like the maybe try to like build out my career. I get to work a little bit more as a caregiver, I get to get more experience, more stories, more, you know, I get to get more things that maybe they will uh once I apply again, then that will make me like um like qualified for them, right? And then even though when I was going to apply, I was so hesitant. I was like, why am I gonna apply? I'm gonna get denied. And then I have this conversation with Carlos, and then he's like, but what about you don't? Why are you seeing just the negative of it? And I was like, You're right, you're right. And then I was like, okay, okay, you know what? I'm just gonna try it. And if it doesn't happen, because it was my last, my last time. That was gonna be my last time I was going to apply for nursing school. And I applied for two programs. I was like, if it doesn't happen through this program, it's gonna happen through this other program. And I I think I called Linda about like the paths, because if I was gonna go through one program, which it was the ABSN, which is the accelerated um nursing for to becoming an RN program, I'm like, okay, if I take that path, how can I still become an NP? And then if I take the other path, okay, it will be more smooth because I will just become an MP after three years and a half. So um then I was just like, okay, maybe this is gonna be the last time. If I get to either program, I'm I'm because I was determined, I was like, I'm still gonna become an MP, I'm still wanna help people. Like, because I just started thinking like um healthcare um workers are so important. Like, I for me, we're we are important, like we help people. We and then after COVID and everything, and then people like you know, going through burndown and all that, I'm like, we need we need people, we need healthcare workers. So I was like, I wanna help people. So I'm like, I'm gonna make it happen. I'm gonna make it happen either way, but it's gonna be my last time. Like, I'm gonna apply and let's see what what happens. So I applied to both and I got accepted to both, but it was just both it was just more like me talking to myself and encouraging myself and making it like me believing in me in a way because I had already lost faith in me because I had already got so many letters it was a lot of letters, guys. I can't even say how many, but it was a lot of letters, and it was discouraging because sometimes it will say you're in the wait list, but you're number 35. I'm like, there's no way, there's no way 35 is no way.

SPEAKER_03 18:08

Maybe if you're you know the top five, there's some room, right?

SPEAKER_02 18:12

So I'm just like, you know, so I already lost faith in me, and I'm just like, okay, and then also what helped me is that when I was doing the caregiving job, a lot of my patients and a lot of my patients' family would thank me because um I would I would go through situations they're like, thank you so much for being so patient to my mom, or thank you so much for uh being so nice, or you know, and then I'm just like okay, then maybe this is you know, they gave me more like reassurance that I was in the right feel.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

Yeah, that makes sense. It does. Did it did it? So it gave you uh it gave you courage to still fight for what you wanted?

SPEAKER_02 18:52

Yeah, yeah. It gave me yeah, I gave me like reassurance and courage, and I'm just like, okay. And then even though I was pregnant and I was going through it, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna make her work with Tiago. Tiago's gonna be right next to me when I'm taking the pre-rex. And he was, he was like in his bassinet while I was taking my pre-rex. I'm like, we're gonna make it work. And so yeah, I think through that situation, that's what like got me to back to um back to it. Like back to like, okay, we're gonna do this. Um through my miscarriage, it was a little bit more um difficult because I didn't like I went through like depression, I went through like everything, but I I never dealt with it. So I was like that part, and then it was it was um it was bad because I didn't deal with it, so I and it was just kind of like me like pushing, like pushing it, and I'm like, I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna just gonna push it through, push it through, push it through. Because again, like school keep going, right? So I was like, okay, um, because it happened like in winter break and I had to start again in January. So I only had like two weeks, two weeks, three weeks to process to like process in a way. And not even process because I went back to work. And I was like working and like going through it, and I was just going through the emotions, like yeah, I was just going through the emotions and how I uh what did I do? I remember I failed and I somehow I took it again. Um, yeah, I took it again. Oh I was crazy. I don't know. I took OCM again because my goal was to have a minor in chemistry. In order for me to have a minor in chemistry, I had to uh pass OCam 2 and biochem. To get biochem, I have to pass OCAM 2. So because I would I feel like it was determination what got me through it. I would mentally it was determination, emotionally, I was a mess. Emotionally, I wasn't like really talking about it. Emotionally, I was like, I would be driving and crying out of nowhere. Um so I and then I feel like that wasn't the healthiest way for me to get like through it. Um, but because I was so like I need to get through it, I wanna graduate, I have goals, like I you know, all these all these goals that I had for myself, um that's why I did it. But it wasn't like honestly, if I could go back, I wouldn't have got to work, I wouldn't, I feel like I wouldn't have taken like like a break because it wasn't easy, and I think that's why um some well, I mean I feel like right now I'm I could talk about it and I don't lose it how I used to lose it, you know? And then so it's kinda because I kinda like here and there I have been trying to like deal with it. Um but yeah, I feel like that that that part it was more like I was focused on my goals, but it wasn't the healthiest way that I could have gone about it.

SPEAKER_03 21:58

Yeah, that's understanding. Because that's just the only way you knew how to go about it. You're like on autopilot. It's like, oh, I gotta reach these goals. Let me just focus, focus, focus, and not be in the reality of things. Because I'm the same white girlfriend. But yeah, well, thanks for sharing. Because I know that wasn't the most comfortable um topic, but thank you.

SPEAKER_02 22:24

Yeah, you're welcome. And then also, what also helped me about that situation, it was that when it happened to that person that I knew, I was able to tell her, like, don't go to work. Don't like you need to grieve. Because everybody, and then I I heard I heard comments and they were like, but it wasn't that it wasn't even like a baby. Like you didn't have like, you know, you couldn't. And then I was like, get the fuck out of my face, bro. Like, don't like, because you know, people don't don't really get it until you go through it. So I talked to her and I was like, you need to take a break. And then thank God she listened to me. Um, and she was able to process her loss and her grief.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

Yeah, um, I was just about to ask you that, Kathy. I was literally just about to ask, like, did you realizing that you didn't go about it the best way help you with your friend? Because I think a lot of us, especially a lot of us in healthcare, are in, you know, that mindset of go, go, go. Like, we tend to be at times robotic, right? Because sometimes that's what gets us through like the hard times. It's just like not thinking, just going. So I can see what you mean by you know, as unfortunate as it is that you had to go through the situation, you learned that, you know, that you might not have had the best coping skills, and then that allowed you to help someone else, which is amazing. I'm so happy you were able to turn your pain into um being able to help someone else. And then another thing you mentioned, which is crazy, because I just watched something yesterday. Um, but a lot of people do think like that, you know. Um, oh, well, it wasn't a baby, you know. I I was watching a show yesterday and she mentioned how, you know, she was going through IVF. Sorry, it's just like it it kind of goes, she was going through IVF, and um I guess like they um they were able to fertilize the the embryo, they were able to fertilize the eggs and you know, they got embryos, and while they weren't g able to get to the phase of implanting the um the embryos, the embryos didn't go grow to like a stage that they wanted them to grow to, that they would feel like they'd be viable, right? And so she was talking about how, you know, while a lot of people wouldn't consider this a loss, I do consider this loss because um, you know, I had hopes and dreams, I had like a vision, you know, I had seen my kids, you know, and she had like all these plans for them. And, you know, most people wouldn't consider that a loss, but it is, you know. And so I think um that just brought up like a thing where it's like we all go through things very differently, and you know, we have to have um I guess compassion and grace for each other because we all may not react the same to different things, you know, we all have different perspectives, and so yeah, sorry, I just went off on a tangent, but that it just made me think of that.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

Yeah, and then so that's why I'm like even um going through this whole situation, because even look, this podcast, right? We were able to go through it, but like you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have a 4.0. You don't we make it, we're doing it, we you know, so it's kind of like my I had to go through this to maybe help somebody, to maybe help our listeners, to maybe give hope to somebody that's going through it in high school, or to maybe also like um kind of like the conversation that I had with the high schooler that I was like, it's okay. You gotta go work on it right now. You got time. Girlfriend, I was you a few years back. Don't worry. Like, you know, all these things, it's just like look at look, maybe that's why it happened. Maybe because somebody's listening, maybe because somebody needs advice, maybe because you get a podcast out of this and you get people listening to you. I don't know. But uh yeah, I feel like it just it happened, and I'm glad it happened because I was able to process it, I was able to grow from it, I was able to help others. And yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:36

I really do want to circle back around in the future. Um, when when it's when we are a little bit more organized of what questions I want to ask you, Kathy. But I would love to put you in the hot seat um so we can talk more deeper into all of this if you feel comfortable. Because I'm like, you know, it's a little uncomfortable. Uh yeah. I agree.

SPEAKER_00 26:55

I think that, you know, we share, we share so many personal things about us. And yeah, it can sound like complaining, but I feel like when we first started this podcast, our intent was to really, you know, let you know, anyone out there on their journey into healthcare know that like it's not a straight path. It's never gonna be a straight path. There's always gonna be bumps in the roads, and um yes, while we do complain a little bit, just a little bit. Um, you know, we've learned a lot and we can laugh at ourselves. And um, that was the reason why we wanted to start the podcast is to, you know, share that life is not always gonna go the way we expected, and we are still gonna be okay, and we're still gonna get to our destination is just gonna be um we might have to take a few extra um different routes, but we'll still get there. And so yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:51

I want to emphasize that it's if you're like us, where it's not a straight path where there's big hurdles, obstacles, the road is on fire, everything, the lion is chasing you. I've been so through so many just hurdles in my life. Um, so if you're like us, when it's the path is not straightforward, you are meant to keep on sprinting, and it's it's meant to be just don't give up because it's it could be it's easier to to give up than to keep pushing, but you know, it's a part of the journey, it's a part of the growth because here I am. We're so extra. We're so extra. We're dramatic. So dramatic. Uh all jokes aside, you push through whatever's still in your way. Bye. Thank you so much for listening.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

Bye. Yes, bye. Thanks for listening to this episode of PD3 with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy. Make sure you like, comment, and subscribe at a put in dose of three so that you never miss an episode and your weekly dose.